*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
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5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”